Can Men and Women Be "Just Friends"?

Innrukia

Posted on April 30, 2013 by Dr. Jeremy Nicholson

I have previously published two articles on the "friend zone" - the area of mismatched romantic or sexual expectations between friends. In the first article, I shared some possible techniques to escape the friend zone and potentially turn from friend to boyfriend or girlfriend . In the second article, I discussed this problem a bit more, sharing tips on how to avoid the friend zone in the first place.

Both of those articles received a good deal of commentary and stirred debate. Generally, that debate centered on whether men and women, particularly, can be "just friends". Overall, the comments suggested that men and women might have very different goals and motives for "friendship". Each looks at the responsibilities in friendship and love a bit differently. As a result, they tend to co-create this friend zone confusion.
Needless to say, my curiosity was piqued. So, I took a look in the research literature on men and women being friends. Here is what I found...

Research on Inter-Sexual Friendship.
Apparently this "just friends" question was pondered by others beginning about a decade ago. Bleske and Buss (2000) surveyed college students regarding the benefits and costs of opposite sex friendships in their lives. In general, many of these benefits and costs were the same for both men and women. For example, both sexes enjoyed opposite-sex friends for dinner companions, conversation partners, self-esteem boosts, information about the opposite sex, social status, respect, and sharing resources. Both sexes also noted some similar costs of opposite-sex friendship, such as jealousy, confusion over the status of the relationship, love not being reciprocated, cruel or mean behaviors, and being less attractive to other potential daters because of the friendship.

Male and female responses did differ on a few key items though. Men were more likely to see sex and romantic potential in an opposite sex friend as a benefit (women primarily saw it as a cost). As a result, men were also more likely than women to say that they had sex with an opposite sex friend (22% vs. 11%). Men were also more likely to report friendship costs of lowered self-worth and giving time to help the friend, while women found their own inability to reciprocate the male's attraction as costly. Therefore, when friendships did not turn sexual or romantic, men were often left feeling rejected and used (i.e. "friend zoned"), while women felt uncomfortable with the unequal attraction. In contrast, when friendships did turn romantic/sexual, some of these men continued to label the women as "just friends" - at about double the rate of women. This leads to the "other" friend zone women more routinely face, the "friends-with-benefits zone", where sex is shared but commitment is not reciprocated.

Women also had their own unique costs and benefits of opposite-sex friendships. They were more likely to experience the benefit of their male friends paying for outings and enjoyed the physical protection of those friends (men saw these as costs of time and money). Women also enjoyed the ability to network through male friends. However, as noted above, women found it costly when those male friends desired sex or romance. They also disliked when their male friends caused difficulty in the women's other dating efforts.

Revisiting the Friend Zone and Friendship Problems
The research above supports the notion that men and women may sometimes have very different goals and desires in opposite-sex friendships. Although both may sometimes be looking for a companion and nothing more, on other occasions, plans may differ. More specifically, men appear to be more likely to look at opposite sex friends as potential sexual and romantic partners. Women, in contrast, tend to prefer non-sexual friendships, which provide protection and resources.
To make matters worse, each sex sees the other's benefit as their own cost. Thus, women tend to find it costly and onerous when male friends desire sex and romance. Men, in contrast, find the time and money demands costly and frustrating, particularly when their romantic desires are not reciprocated. So, due to the mismatched desires, we have the makings of friendship difficulties.

What does this mean for the "friend zone"? As I have said before, the friend zone is essentially an unequal relationship, where the desires of both friends are not equally met. It may exist in a "just friends" context, where resources are being shared (usually gratifying the woman's needs), but sex and romance is not an option (usually frustrating the man). A mismatch can also occur in a "friends-with-benefits" context, where sex is being shared (usually satisfying the man), but resources and protection are not forthcoming (usually frustrating the woman).

Although these patterns are the most common, however, it is important to note that either sex can experience either situation. Some women may desire no-strings-attached sex with a friend. Some men may desire a long-term relationship with a hook-up buddy. The important thing to remember is the MISMATCH in goals. The trade is not equally satisfying for both friends.
Keeping that point in mind leads to the solution...

Tips for Negotiating a Satisfying Opposite-Sex Friendship
The research above (and many people's experience) shows that it may often be hard for men and women to be friends. They often have very different expectations for what that "friendship" will entail. However, there is some common ground. So, with a bit of effort, satisfying friendships can be created (at least in some situations).

1) Understand different friendship needs. It is common for people to think about what they want only. They may even think what they desire is somehow more noble, important, or urgent. That simply is not the case.
When entering into any relationship, even a simple friendship, what others desire may be different. Each person's goals for the friendship may be unique. Some people want companionship, others resources. Some want sex, others commitment. To have a friendship of any kind, it is important to respect those differences. Don't let anyone shame you out of your desires. Don't do it to your "friends" in return either.

2) Communicate your intentions. Frustration and difficulty starts when both individuals are not honest about their goals. For example, a man may claim he desires only companionship, when he really wants a girlfriend. Or, a woman may hook-up, when she really desires to be dined, protected, and dated. Without knowing, their "friends" may not take care of those needs (taking them at their word and deed).

So, if you want something specific out of a friendship, it is important to show it. That may mean a conversation and asking questions. It may also mean acting more like a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" than a simple friend from the start, making sexual or commitment requests early on. For example, some men say that "they don't pay for outings, unless a woman is looking to be their girlfriend". Some women communicate that "they don't sleep with men who are not interested in a longer relationship". Yet others talk about their pre-existing "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", letting others know that "friendship only" is available.
In any case, it is important for both parties to be clear what will and will not be part of the "friendship". It is essential to communicate your desires and listen to those of others.

3) Only stay with fair trades. Sometimes both "friends" are looking to slowly lead to love and commitment. Other times, both are looking for some sexual benefits too. Yet others share only a mutual desire for company, conversation, and mutual support. All of these are good foundations for satisfying (and frustration free) opposite-sex friends. Most often, these will occur when both individuals have the same desires for love and sex with a friend. These balanced and satisfying friendships are also likely to occur in situations where both friends have their own needs for love, sex, resources, and protection met from a separate girlfriend or boyfriend.

With other friendships, desires may not match up so well. In those situations, costs mount, frustrations rise, and hard feelings result. Therefore, it is often best to end those friendships early for all involved. When you find yourself wanting more in a friendship (or hookup) and that desire is not reciprocated, walk away. Similarly, when you don't want more, but your friend does, cut them loose. In either case, failing to act, or convincing others to stay against their needs, will only bring you costs. So, save yourself the frustration of pouring time and money into a lost cause. Or, be sure to let that love-sick friend down quickly, before they ruin your other relationships and make you feel bad.

Nothing you hope to gain from a short-term, unequal friendship will be worth the costs that eventually show up. So, when the exchange is not equal, even if it is initially in your favor, end it. Walk away before the negative consequences add up. Only stay with friends who feel the same.

Conclusion
Can men and women be just friends? In many cases, the answer is no. Sometimes that is good thing, when both people see friendship as a step to mutually-satisfying love, sex, and/or commitment. At other times, men and women cannot be "just" friends because only one friend desires something more. Those mismatched desires between men and women lead to unequal friend zone situations, where one person's needs are completely satisfied at the other's expense. Those unfortunate instances and the frustrations around them are the friendship problems we hear so much about.
Nevertheless, friendship between men and women is not impossible. However, it does require finding someone with friendship goals matching your own. Communicating clearly and leaving when there is not a match is key. Also, if you desire "just friends", then it may be better to pick only friends who are already in other romantic relationships. That way, you can have a satisfying exchange, a good friend, and no frustration.

Credit: http://attractiondoctor.com/

Innrukia

How love happens

I said in many of my articles before that we get attracted to those who match the most important items in our love maps. The love map is the database formed as a result of all the experiences we have been through since we were born. If for example a guy has 20 items in his love map and found that a woman matches 12 of those items then he will find her attractive.

The intensity of attraction will depend upon the number of items matched. Of course all of those mechanisms happen on the unconscious level and this is why most people think that love is mysterious.

Now what if the same guy met a woman who only matches 2 of those items? will attraction ever happen?
No, it won't

Can men and women ever just be friends

If a man made friends with a woman who matches very few items in his love map then he will never develop emotions for her unless she tries to fool his subconscious mind (see the next section).

In other words friendship between men and women can never move to the next stage if they both didn't meet the important items in their respective love maps But there is a trick in here.

People get attached to the ones they see often. One study have found that the people we get familiar with tend to look more attractive to us than they really are. Because of those factors and many other ones some people might start to sacrifice some of the items in their love maps and get attached to the ones they see often. (see The mere exposure effect)

Of course no one will ever sacrifice 15 out of 20 items but in case mild attraction was present then friendship can turn it into more intense attraction as those people get closer to each other.

Can the subconscious mind be fooled?

Can someone fool the subconscious mind of another person by making him think that he matches all the items in his love map?

yes this is quite possible. In my latest book Jane's Code i provided a perfect example for love map manipulation where a guy who didn't match any item in a girl's love map managed to fool her subconscious mind and show her that he is the perfect mate.

In other words, friendship between men and women can be a bit dangerous for if one of them liked the other he can start luring him into a relationship even if he was initially not interested.

Do looks really matter? Can an unattractive person attract a very attractive one? Yes its quite possible and this is exactly what Jane's Code is all about. A revolutionary book that explains how love can be manipulated no matter who you are or how you look like.

Credit to http://www.2knowmyself.com/can_men_and_women_ever_just_be_friends

Innrukia

Topik popular & evergreen sepanjang zaman
Meh kita discuss bersama....

sue_0684

maksudnya sini,perasaan akan mudah develop bila masing2 single?.x ada komitmen pd orang lain.
tp kalau salah sorang taken, mungkin boleh jadi kawan saja.dan dua2 pihak dah set boundaries.

Innrukia

sue_0684 replied at 10-4-2015 12:34 PM
maksudnya sini,perasaan akan mudah develop bila masing2 single?.x ada komitmen pd orang lain.
tp ka ...

Maksudnya kalau dedua ada certain trait yg memenuhi kehendak masing2 perasaan tu mudah develop...
Or kalo seorg ada trait yg sorg lagik nak.....

sue_0684

Innrukia replied at 10-4-2015 12:40 PM
Maksudnya kalau dedua ada certain trait yg memenuhi kehendak masing2 perasaan tu mudah develop...
...

oo..ok ..faham.
tak semstinya dua2 single, boleh jatuh cinta,ia bergantung pada ciri2 apa yg kita nak untuk jadikan partner kita.

midori888

malas nak baca....panjang sgt....

yes, bole...we call it plutonic relationship....we are closed alright, but then antara kita tiada prasaan cinta, tak attracted to one another...

mbhcsf

Gosh... this is really hard , yep....hmm haahah depends...


hmm, u mean like Mulder and Scully ? or green eyes ? yeah ?

oh yeah sure ...common ....it is fitrah in a way ...but  i guess this is contextually dependent.
yep, pretty much depends on the context. If the person is by all means accessible - single, soleh lady/ gent, enchanting....hahahhaa etc etc etc...and sekufu - hmm yeah try that  and see how far can you two will stay  *just* as friends ...

but if you knew he has certain standards or preference  well...yep stay as friends  laa....well hahahaha nak tergelak lah pulak

u can stay as friends if he/she isnot your type ...but kalau disepah depan mata you yg well...hmm..unless mata hijau...and married . and totally no go zone hahahahah

stay as it is...

i guess a sensible wise intelligent jovial guy ...would be able to tease out the message and respect it ...hahahah

mbhcsf

attraction has a lot to do with persona, attitude, shared  or personal values ...dan ia merangkumi 4 aspek  ni i think jasmani, emosi , rohani dan intelek.

faraway1

my husband ada kawan pompuan yang me benci ya amat,
benci sebab dia cakap bad behind my back pasal me, ingat me tak tahu,
so padan muka dia, persahabatan dia hampir 30 tahun dengan my husband
jadi hambar...

my husband cakap dia pandang kawan dia ni cam dia pandang lelaki aje..
tak da tarikan...

dan me ada kawan baik lelaki, yes me pernah terjatuh cinta dengan dia,
dan rasanya we both love each other sebab my friend ada cakap dan my feeling
dari dulu sampai hari ni, still love him cuma tak sekuat seperti mana i love my husband.
sampai hari ni dia panggil me, darling, but he' married with 2 boys,
dan me kenal keluarga dia, his parent, dan my friend kenal my husband.
so dari terjatuh cinta, hari ni dia cam my friend seumur hidup,,,,
dan me bersyukur dia cuma my best friend, sebab kalau husband mungkin
kami lain hari ini.

mishungu

my answer is no..sbb aku tgh lalui benda ni skrng..
aku suka dia tp cara dia mcm anggap aku kwn je..huhuhu..
sadis betul..

tapi call aku hari2..sehari call byk kali...
tensi tau..nak confess tkt kena reject terus x kwn..

chentadearhati

Pengalaman aku sendiri,pd mulanya memang kitaorg kwn rapat. Tak ada feeling apa pun. Pas tu ak confess suka dia. Hubungan tu renggang pas tu.Hakikatnya kmi ni ditakdirkn hubungan kwn baik bukan hubungan perasaan.

chentadearhati

Boleh! Aku dengan bff dah 14 tahun bersahabat. Dr awal perkenalan kita dh set kita berkawan bukan utk hubungan perasaan.

ifanonline

the answer is NO...wanita2 yg ckp yes tu is a big liar...

Innrukia

ifanonline replied at 12-4-2015 08:40 AM
the answer is NO...wanita2 yg ckp yes tu is a big liar...

Amboi dear NO tu besaq aih... Siap kata liar lagik... Chill ok...

amoiblack

i ada seorang kawan yang agak rapat la...kiterog baik sgt.. and saya dah bertunang..penah one day dia tanye kalau ko putus tunang... ko nak kawin ngn aku tak?? wow... saya tak tau la..kalau he really meant it or not..

akik

of course men and women can be just friends.aku ada ramai kawan lelaki rapat dan tak pernah langsung terdevelop feeling apa2 kat diorang dan vice versa.

Innrukia

akik replied at 12-4-2015 07:57 PM
of course men and women can be just friends.aku ada ramai kawan lelaki rapat dan tak pernah langsung ...

Sbb depa tadek ciri2 @ trait yg hang nak sbg pasangan... Read the article

missus_meow

mishungu replied at 12-4-2015 02:28 AM
my answer is no..sbb aku tgh lalui benda ni skrng..
aku suka dia tp cara dia mcm anggap aku kwn je. ...

how u know dia anggap u kwn je .... lelaki ni lagilah takuuuuttttttttt kene rejek

red_mist

in my opinion, no..
because there is a very thin line that can be crossed over..
men and women usually think differently on relationship
pernah terbaca sumwhere on study done kat european countries (nordic countries if not mistaken) that men and women really just can't be friends. sbb ada sexual tension gitu
nnt i try cari n upload the article