SELFworth

my-alja

case study


Brian grew up the oldest child in a poor family. His alcoholic father left at an early age. His mother loved her children, but she struggled with her own problems. Brian felt that the other kids looked down on him for being poor and having so many family problems. As a child, he wished that he could have a "normal" family and money to buy the nice things other kids had. Most of all, he hated being looked down on as less than others.

Brian believed that to be worthwhile he had to fulfill a certain image. His image of a minimally ok person was to be rich and successful in his career, to have a happy marriage and family, and above all to have "class." Having class meant having fine cars, a big house, expensive art, and other symbols of status. Having class meant knowing what to wear and what to say; and having class especially meant being accepted by the right people.

However, growing up, Brian did not do well in school or sports and was not popular with his peers. Therefore, he thought of himself as a not ok person who was destined to fail at whatever he did. He suspected that he had some deep inadequacy inside that kept him "in the gutter," but he avoided dealing with these fears. These beliefs became a self-fulfilling prophesy. He quit trying to be a success and hung out with people he secretly thought were losers. He set easy goals--such as minimal education and low-paying jobs. Brian often felt depressed and angry about his life and the future. He was in a vicious cycle of low self-worth, low goals, underachievement, and depression.

Then Brian got a job in an electronics store--where a lot of good things happened. He got interested in the electronics business. The store owner praised him for his hard work and showed confidence in him. Brian decided to change his life, "I was sick of being a failure and set a goal to become a successful electronics businessman." He went back to school and studied hard. He made good grades and kept learning the electronics business. He started his own computer business and made lots of money.

His increased success and income increased his confidence with people. He had had a crush on Carol since high school, but had always thought of her as being out of his class. He lavished her with attention, flowers, gifts, exciting experiences, and promises of leading an idyllic life. He learned everything he could to present himself as a man with class.
She fell in love with him, they married, and they had three children. He bought a beautiful home, drove expensive cars, and bought only the best of everything. He showered her and his children with the best of everything that money could buy. Most people who met him were impressed by his success.

Brian began to see himself as a success and began to think that his success was proof that he was as good or better than other people. He loved to compare himself to former high school classmates who were not nearly so "successful."
Was Brian happy? His answer was, "I have everything a man could have to be happy. If I'm not happy, then I feel sorry for all the poor people in the world. Seriously, I'm not sure if I'm happy or not. Sometimes I feel like keeping this life style and image up is a burden and a lot of stress. Sometimes I'm not sure I know what I want in life. Maybe being happy is too much to expect."
Inside, he kept asking himself, "Why aren't I happier, when I have everything I want?" One thing that really bugged Brian was that his brother had been far less successful in his career, but seemed much happier.

Others thought of Brian as somewhat self-centered and dominating. Many thought he had an inflated view of himself, was ill-tempered, and only cared about success and acquiring the symbols of success. His wife Carol had been initially impressed by his ambition and strength. She liked the lifestyle that money had brought them and their children. But, his total focus on success, his neglect of her, and his frequent dominating manner had gradually driven a wedge between them. She kept telling him, "Our romance and intimacy are disappearing. You never listen to anything that deals with emotions."

What lessons did Brian need to learn? First, his happiness was not dependent upon his career success. Brian had not been happy as a failure or as a success. Either way, he feared failure and being looked down on by others. These fears were his worst nightmares and his frequent companions--despite all his money. He had never faced those fears.
He also kept raising his self-expectations to higher and higher levels. He was no longer "ok" if he was as successful as his high school classmates. Now, he had to be as successful as the multimillionaire who lived nearby in even bigger homes than his. He felt inadequate to them. Now, he had to prove that he was as good as they were, by working even harder and taking more risks. With the increased risks came increased stress.

Basically, Brian was never happy just being Brian. He never learned to love himself unconditionally. He always had to achieve something more before he could be happy. He never had enough success to prove that he was a "minimally ok human being." Consequently, he never believed that anyone--including his wife--could really love him exactly as he was right then. He thought he had to buy her love or show her that he was more successful than other men.


are we in the same boat
case studi nie sgt sesuai utk mengambarkan msayarakat kita sekarang nie...

[ Last edited by  my-alja at 5-9-2008 08:47 AM ]

my-alja

Conditional versus Unconditional self-worth.

The essence of Brian's problem was his belief that his self-worth depended on being successful and fulfilling his image of a "minimally ok" person. He knew that no matter how successful his business was, it could fail. He had seen it happen to others. Therefore, he could never feel that his self-worth was safe.

Consequently, his business controlled his emotions. Any threat to his business was a threat to his worthiness. As long as we believe that our basic self-worth is dependent upon anything that is partially out of our control, we will have a great fear of that thing. It will be our own private monster holding our happiness in the palm of its hand.

To feel safe and not so threatened by business failure, Brian needed to separate his self-worth from his business success. More generally, he needed to let go of his image of a minimally ok person; he needed to learn to love himself and others unconditionally.
Another advantage of a new belief in the basic worth of every human was that he could let go of trying to impress others and stop worrying about what they thought of him. Ironically, his desire to impress his wife and provide money for her caused him to neglect her, dominate her, and hide his fears from her. Yet, these very behaviors were destroying intimacy and pushing her away from him.

She longed for him to be more open about his feelings--instead of maintaining this macho, "success" front and being so defensive. Sadly, he didn't understand that his wife would love him and stand by him even if he "failed." She would gladly trade the extra money and status for more attention, openness, and intimacy.
In the last chapter we saw how deficit thinking can cause us to feel deprived, resentful, and weak. On the other hand, abundance thinking can cause us to feel grateful, happy, strong, and positively motivated.

The ideas of deficit thinking and abundance thinking can be applied to our view of ourselves as well. If we view ourselves as unworthy, weak, or inadequate then we may spend much of our lives feeling like minnows swimming with the big fish. We may respond to these inadequacy feelings by either of two common reactions--underachievement (low expectations and low motivation) or over achievement (too high expectations and intense motivation to overcome the perceived "deficit"). Brian had first tried underachievement, then over achievement.

my-alja

Unconditional self-love means loving our selves "no matter what. . ."

How many of us--like Brian believe that we are worthwhile only if we are successful, rich, powerful, good, and have all the trappings of "the good life." How many of us also value others to the degree they are successful and good. That is an example of conditional love--loving someone only if the person meets certain conditions.
If we love ourselves or others unconditionally, we love only because we are human and because we are ourselves. We love some essence of ourselves no matter what we have done or not done.

I once saw an interview with a father whose son was a serial arsonist. His son had caused millions of dollars of damage to property and had been responsible for the deaths of several people. The father seemed to be a responsible, caring person. The reporter asked the man how he felt about his son. The father said, "No matter how much I hate what my son has done, I still love my son." That is unconditional love.

Loving ourselves unconditionally means that we love ourselves no matter who we are, what we have, what we have done, or what others think of us. Loving ourselves unconditionally means that we love ourselves even if we have pimples, are overweight and ugly, have a low IQ, flunk out of school, clean the floors at McDonalds, drive rusty Volkswagons, are atheists, are homeless, have herpes, and no one likes us.

If you can learn to love yourself unconditionally, that love will provide a stable power base to overcome your fears and center your life around. It is your most inner sacred zone. No person or failure can take it away from you.

seribulan

My selfworth is when I feel good with myself...

my-alja

Originally posted by seribulan at 6-9-2008 08:49 AM
My selfworth is when I feel good with myself...

hari tu terbaca...
feeling good abt urself = self-esteem
accepting urself = self-worth

my-alja

self-esteem terbentuk bila individu mendapat kepuasan dgn apa yg dia capai, selagi tercapai benda yg dia inginkan...selagi tulah, dia akan maintain high spirit of self-esteem
katalah kita reserve situasi tersebut, individu tidak dapat mencapai sesuatu yg dia nak...gagal dan gagal n gagal....cemana sebagai manusia dia nak kekalkan spirit "like myself"...

jadi ada satu artikle kata, self esteem ada pra-syarat utk dicapai.....apa jadi kalo pra-syarat tu sukat utk dicapai....

my-alja

self-esteem is exterior factor to make u feel gud
self-worth is interior, inner nature

Your Innate Value
Worth

Though much of who and what we are changes as we journey through life, our inherent worth remains constant. While the term self-worth is often used interchangeably with self-esteem, the two qualities are inherently different. Self-esteem is the measure of how you feel about yourself at a given moment in time. Your worth, however, is not a product of your intelligence, your talent, your looks, your good works, or how much you have accomplished. Rather it is immeasurable and unchanging manifestation of your eternal and infinite oneness with the universe. It represents the cornerstone of the dual foundations of optimism and self-belief. Your worth cannot be taken from you or damaged by life's rigors, yet it can easily be forgotten or even actively ignored. By regularly acknowledging your self-worth, you can ensure that you never forget what an important, beloved, and special part of the universe you are.

You are born worthy-your worth is intertwined with your very being. Your concept of your own self-worth is thus reinforced by your actions. Each time you endeavor to appreciate yourself, treat yourself kindly, define your personal boundaries, be proactive in seeing that your needs are met, and broaden your horizons, you express your recognition of your innate value. During those periods when you have lost sight of your worth, you will likely feel mired in depression, insecurity, and a lack of confidence. You'll pursue a counterfeit worth based on judgment rather than the beauty that resides within. When you feel worthy, however, you will accept yourself without hesitation. It is your worth as an individual who is simultaneously interconnected with all living beings that allows you to be happy, confident, and motivated. Because your conception of your worth is not based on the fulfillment of expectations, you'll see your mistakes and failures as just another part of life's jo! urney.

Human beings are very much like drops of water in an endless ocean. Our worth comes from our role as distinct individuals as well as our role as an integral part of something larger than ourselves. Simply awakening to this concept can help you rediscover the copious and awe-inspiring worth within each and every one of us

Jamaloogy

First, his happiness was not dependent upon his career success

~ thus success does not equal happiness
   I can see people stayed in village is happy and peace enough with what they have. And compare to us, city chaps, their success is little than ours.

he could let go of trying to impress others
~ Well.. did Qur'an mention Riyak?


[ Last edited by  Jamaloogy at 12-9-2008 12:42 AM ]

seribulan

Originally posted by my-alja at 7-9-2008 06:13 AM


hari tu terbaca...
feeling good abt urself = self-esteem
accepting urself = self-worth

they're quite similar actually...
from Wiki...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-worth


In psychology, self-esteem reflects a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of her or his own worth....

Synonyms or near-synonyms of self-esteem include: self-worth[1], self-regard[2], self-respect[3], [4], self-love (which can express overtones of self-promotion)[5], self-integrity. Self-esteem is distinct from self-confidence and self-efficacy, which involve beliefs about ability and future performance.
lagipun itu saya punya interpretasi sendiri...
feel good about my self...not my achievement...two different entities...

my-alja

ermmm....how do we justify the feeling is simply self-esteem or riak?

i guess....is between ourselves and god..btul tak?....riak when he tries to impress others<--- a sign of unhappy person

my-alja

pd i...self-esteem is subset to self-worth

ajinomotonosuga

the best mirror is nature
it has no judgement.

the best word is silence
it has no sound

the best picture is blindness
it has no colors

the best friend is woman
she has only desire

my-alja

cukup bosan kalo aji tulis sket2 camni
bulan posa yee aji.....

ajinomotonosuga

Originally posted by my-alja at 19-9-2008 06:22 AM
cukup bosan kalo aji tulis sket2 camni
bulan posa yee aji.....

alja suke yang panjang panjang yer?

my-alja

Originally posted by ajinomotonosuga at 20-9-2008 03:05 AM


alja suke yang panjang panjang yer?

panjang yg ada makna yeee....bukan tin kosong, pong-pong

emmer_A

if you don't Love and accept yourself, cemana nak make yourself Truly happy.  Be yourself !

CurlySue

How do you feel about yourself?
Is it good or bad?

How you feel about yourself is self-esteem. It is your perception of how you are doing in the world. Self-esteem may go up or down depending upon what is happening to you. Get an "A" on a test and you feel great, but if you fail you feel terrible. Self-esteem is changeable.

Self-worth differs from self-esteem. Self-worth is what you are born with. As one of the creations of the universe you are worthwhile and have value, which cannot be taken from you. You can抰 lose it, but you can lose sight of it. You can forget your value.

Jamaloogy

I believe your analogy more to how people feel. Self Esteem is not simple as that. If you see self esteem from "feeling lens", it might be true. each person have their own lens to perceive the world.

Self esteem is changeable, I couldn't agree more, but series of thing happen in your life change it. Not just a simple as one fail test. It might be if many things depended on it.

"Generally" I believe, Self esteem can't change overnight. It need time and series of event to break it up and build it up.

By the way
"Love yourself" is a priceless principle one should have. I think the first step of happiness is to love and accept yourself.
I don't agree of "BE YOURSELF" as an escape for those people that already sorry for themselves and dont want to change/act themselves in order to be in a better position. Dont use this to be an excuse to remain sorry as you are.

2 my-alja
And my point of view on impressing people.
If whatever you have and you do is good, people will always impress with that.
Impress is simply an effect of good thing. It really is. Nothing more.

The wrong thing to do is when you put your intention to impress AHEAD of what you really want to do. Impress come from people that need attention to feed their ego. They need it to feel alive. That is what Allah condemn it in first place. It's very unhealthy.

[ Last edited by  Jamaloogy at 5-10-2008 04:40 PM ]

my-alja

Originally posted by Jamaloogy at 5-10-2008 04:28 PM
If whatever you have and you do is good, people will always impress with that.
Impress is simply an effect of good thing. It really is. Nothing more

hard to believe on this....
some people choose to see the half empty glass rather than half full glass
some people impress with outstanding stuffs....
and after all why bother to impress others....
when we impress GOD, we can see the reflections on others...do u agree?

cokkodok

but if we love ourself tooooo much just to get closer to happiness...then kita akan jadi selfish.  And if we alwaaaays simply accept ourselves, then mana ruang untuk kita improve diri kita?



[ Last edited by  cokkodok at 6-10-2008 09:27 PM ]