Hawk's Corner - Jokes and Romantic Stories n Quotations

iansuryani

Do not tell me how hard you work; tell me how much you get done

iansuryani

Each dawn holds a new hope for a new plan,
Making the start of each day the stary of a new life.

iansuryani

Failing does not make you a failure.  
Giving up does.

masarju

**** Books are the quietest and the most constant of friends,they are
        the most accessible and wisest of counsellors and the most patient
        teachers.

****Wear the old coat and buy a new book.

blackmore

Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms.

"Why so many?" I asked.

"My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base."

"You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."

"I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother."

iansuryani

Originally posted by blackmore at 10-3-2007 01:04 PM
Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms.

"Why so many?" I asked.

"My son ...

lepak sey ketawa

TheHawk

Once in a lifetime, you find someone who touches not only your heart,but also your soul....Once in a lifetime, you find someone who stands beside you - not in front of you ...... Once in a lifetime, you find someone,who loves you for who you are......Once in a lifetime you find a very special love - As I have found you ..... I am so lucky to have found you!

[ Last edited by  TheHawk at 10-3-2007 01:23 PM ]

TheHawk

You must be new here

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No; what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.

TheHawk

Observation By A drunk!

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

TheHawk

One of my favourite romantic stories!

The Roses

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose. And every year her husband sent them,tied with pretty bows.

The year he died,the roses were delivered to her door.The card said, "Be my Princess," like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses,and the note would always say,"I love you even more this year,than last year on this day.

My love for you will always grow,with every passing year." She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day. Her loving husband did not know,that he would pass away.

He always liked to do things early, way before the time. Then, if he got too busy,everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.

She would sit for hours,in her husband's favourite chair.While staring at his picture,and the roses sitting there.

A year went by,and it was hard to live without her mate.With loneliness and solitude,that had become her fate.

Then, the very hour,as on their anniversary before,The doorbell rang, and there were roses,sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in,and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone,to call the florist shop.

The owner answered, and she asked him,if he would explain, Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away,more than a year ago," The owner said, "I knew you'd call,and you would want to know.

The flowers you received today,were paid for in advance.
Your husband always planned ahead,he left nothing to chance.

There is a standing order,that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance,you'll get them every year.

There is also another thing,that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago.

Then, should ever I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent,to you the following year."

She thanked him and hung up the phone,her tears now flowing hard.Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence,this is what he wrote...

"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome.

I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
Or if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.

The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife.

You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.

I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years.

When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
that we had together, and how both of us were blessed.

I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still.

Please... try to find happiness,while living out your days.
I know it is not easy,but I hope you find some ways.

The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
when your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock.

He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt.

To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him.
And place the roses where we are, together once again.

TheHawk

Here is a touching story especially for Teachers and Students!

Elementary School Teacher.

Her name was Mrs. Noriah. As she stood in front of her primary five class on the very first day of school, she told the children a lie. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same.

But that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Aziz Sulaiman.

Mrs. Noriah had watched Aziz the year before and noticed that he didn't play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. And Aziz could be unpleasant.

It got the point where Mrs. Noriah would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big "F" at the top of his papers.

At the school where Mrs. Noriah taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Aziz's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise. Aziz's primary one teacher wrote, "Aziz is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners....he is a joy to be around."

His primary two teacher wrote, "Aziz is an excellent student, well-liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle."

His primary three teacher wrote, "His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken."

Aziz's primary four teacher wrote, "Aziz is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class."

By now, Mrs. Noriah realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Teachers Day presents wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Aziz's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy brown paper that he got from a grocery bag.

Mrs. Noriah took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stone missing, and a bottle that was one quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist.

Aziz Sulaiman stayed after school that day just long enough to say, "Mrs. Noriah, today you smelled just like my Mom used to." After the children left she cried for at least an hour.

On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Noriah paid particular attention to Aziz. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Aziz had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Aziz became one of her "Teacher's Pets."

A year later, she found a note under her door, from Aziz, telling her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life. Six years went by before she got another note from Aziz. He then wrote that he had finished sixth form third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.

Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been rough at times, he'd stayed in school, stuck with it, and would soon graduate from university with highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Noriah that she was still the best and favorite teacher he'd ever had in his whole life.

Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he'd ever had. But now his name was a little longer - the letter was signed, Aziz Sulaiman, MD.

The story doesn't end there. You see, there was yet another letter that year. Aziz said he'd met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years earlier and he was wondering if Mrs. Noriah might agree to sit in the place at the wedding which was usually reserved for the mother of the groom. Of course, Mrs. Noriah did.

And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. And she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Aziz remembered his mother wearing on their last moments together.

They hugged each other, and Dr. Aziz whispered in Mrs. Noriah's ear. Thank you, Mrs. Noriah for believing in me.

Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference. Mrs. Noriah, with tears in her eyes, whispered back, "Aziz, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you."

Please remember that wherever you go, and whatever you do, you will have the opportunity to touch and/or change a person's outlook.

Please try to do it in a positive way.

chichi

Originally posted by TheHawk at 10-3-2007 01:30 PM
Observation By A drunk!

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
...

honest n merapu

TheHawk

Now it's time for another joke hehehe!

The Man Who Didn't See His Wife

A man left for work one Friday afternoon.
But it was payday, so instead of going home,
he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys
and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night,
he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged
for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough
where he could see her a little out of the corner of his right eye.

chichi

Originally posted by TheHawk at 10-3-2007 01:39 PM
Now it's time for another joke hehehe!

The Man Who Didn't See His Wife

A man left for work one Friday afternoon.
But it was payday, so instead of going home,
he stayed out the entire we ...

hehehe saspen. pikirtah the wife banar2 lari. panya kana tumbuk arah mata.

TheHawk

$500 Porsche A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house. "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?" "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

TheHawk

From the WordPerfect Help Desk

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ".......Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

TheHawk

The CEO A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

TheHawk

Try this just for fun!

http://www.lovecalculator.com/

TheHawk

Anyone like Baked Beans, this is for you! Man who Loved Baked Beans Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

TheHawk

Take care of your wife A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods, she went into the woods to find her ball, and found a frog in a trap, the frog said to her, if you release me I will grant you three wishes. The woman released the frog, and the frog said thank you, but I failed to tell you that there is a condition to your wishes, that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better. The woman said, that will be okay, and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world, the frog warned her, you do realise that this would make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to, the woman replied, that will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. So KAZAM, she is the most beautiful woman in the world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world, the frog said, that will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you, the woman said, thats okay, because whats mine is his, and whats his is mine. So KAZAM, shes the richest woman in the world. The frog then enquired about her third wish, and the woman answered, Id like a mild heart attack!!!!!