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Hawk's Corner - Jokes and Romantic Stories n Quotations
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~~~~You don"t stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing.~~~~
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Who is it?
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What箂 on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ****, it's Tony Blair!"
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Dentist
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!" |
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Originally posted by masarju at 10-3-2007 03:42 PM
Seorg ibu sanggup berkorban apa saja utk anaknya...tapi si anak
belum tentu boleh berkorban utk ibunya.Touching story 4 me...
Kalau anak2 itu di didik dengan baik saya percaya, mereka juga akan sanggup berkorban utk keluarga mereka. Percaya lah! |
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Grass Cutter
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"
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A Letter From an Irish Mother.
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter
slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you
get home- we have moved.
About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him- he
cuts grass at the cemetery. There was a washing machine at the new house we
moved in, but it hasn't working too good. Last week I put in 14 shirts,
pulled the chain, and haven't seen the shirts since.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out whether
it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky in the Dublin
Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off
bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I went to the doctor on Thursday, and your father went with me. The doctor
put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your
father offered to buy it from him.
It only rained twice this week, first for three days, and then for four
days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your
Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
Your loving Mother,
X X
PS: I was going to send you ten pounds, but I had already sealed the
envelope. |
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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!".
So I bought her an electric chair.
Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'.
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Dear God
Every single evening as Im lying here in bed,
This tiny little Prayer keeps running through my head.
God bless all my family wherever they may be,
Keep them warm & safe from harm for theyre so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing I wish that you could do,
Hope you dont mind me asking please bless my computer too.
Now I know that its unusual to Bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second while I explain it to you, God.
You see that little metal box holds more than odds and ends,
Inside those small compartments rest so many of my friends.
I know so much about them by the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal takes me in to where they live.
By faith is how I know them much the same as you,
We share in what life brings us & from that our friendships grew.
Please take care an extra minute from your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book thats filled with so much love.
Wherever else this prayer may reach to each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail inbox and each person who hits Send.
When you update your Heavenly list on your own CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer sent up to GOD.com.
Amen
An ICT Prayer ( Source : Unknown )
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Megastore, Megasale
The manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman. "How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked. "One," replied the new guy. "Only one?" said the boss. "How much was the sale?" The salesman answered, "$58,334." Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain. "First I sold a man a fishhook," the salesman said. "Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast. So I suggested he'd need a boat - he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said his Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department and sold him a big SUV." The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?" "No," the new salesman replied. "He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, "Your weekend's shot. You should probably go fishing." |
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British Airways Flight
The following scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg and London.
A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess.
"Madam, what is the matter?", the hostess asked.
"You obviously do not see it then?", the woman responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."
"Be calm please.", the hostess replied, "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."
The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the business class. All the same, we still have one place in the first class."
Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued. "It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone sooooo disgusting."
She turned to the black gentleman, and said. "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please take your hand luggage because a seat awaits you in the first class."
At the moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded. This is a true story which is not usually told.
Hooray for the Captain and the stewardess. They finally did something right
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Three Things in Life
Three things in life that, once gone, never come back
1.Time
2.Words
3.Opportunity
Three things in life that may never be lost
1. Peace
2. Hope
3. Honesty
Three things in life that are most valuable
1. Love
2. self-confidence
3. Friends
Three things in life that are never certain
1. Dreams
2. Success
3. Fortune
Three things in life that make a man / woman
1. Hard work
2. Sincerity
3. Commitment
Three things in life that can destroy a man / woman
1. Alcohol
2. Pride
3. Anger
Three things in life that once lost, are hard to build up
1. Respect
2. Trust
3. Friendship
Three things in life that never fail
1. True love
2. Determination
3. Belief
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The Parrot at the Auction
At the auction, the man's eye caught the most beautiful parrot he had ever seen. Determined to have the bird, he began bidding.
Each time he bid, someone out bid him. Higher and higher the bidding went until, finally, he won the bird.
As he was paying the auctioneer for the parrot, he commented, "I certainly hope this parrot can talk. After what I'm paying for him, I would hate to find out that he can't."
"Talk? Don't you worry sir, he can talk," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
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The Blonde Swimmer Joke
There are three women stranded on an island. One is brunette, one's a redhead, and the other one is a blonde. There is land in sight.
"I have an idea!" the redhead says. "We can swim there!"
So the redhead jumps into the water, swims 1/4 of the way, and drowns.
The brunette says, "I'm a better swimmer. I can get there." She manages to swim 1/3 of the way and she drowns.
The blonde dives into the water, swims 1/2 of the way, and looks around.
"I'm pretty tired." she says. "I'm gonna swim back."
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CIGARETTES and TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because it's soooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
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The Old Man's Physical
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''
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The Blonde Who Knew Her State Capitols
A blonde is bragging about her knowledge of state capitols...
Proudly, she says, "Go ahead. Ask me. I know all of them!"
Her friend says, "Ok then. What is the capitol of Wisconsin?"
The blonde boastfully smiles and says, "That's easy: W."
[ Last edited by TheHawk at 14-3-2007 08:49 AM ] |
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The Blonde and the Coke Machine
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
[ Last edited by TheHawk at 14-3-2007 08:51 AM ] |
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Blonde wins the lottery
A blonde buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to lottery headquarters to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The blonde says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sorry lady. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The blonde said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The blonde, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!" |
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Blonde and her Female Boss
Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, the boss left work early. One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband. But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," she said. "I almost got caught yesterday!" |
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Everyone hears what you say, Friends listen to what you have to say, Best friends listen to what you don't say.
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Category: Negeri & Negara
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Post time 10-3-2007 06:24 PM
Author
