Since the past few days i rs down sgt. My ustazah/perawat passed away. Arwah dah 2 years battled with canser.
I start belajar ngaji dgn arwah about 6 ke 7 years ago. At that time i mmg x sihat sgt. I rs sgt helpless sbb i x reti ngaji pun & yet kena battle dgn santau angin ni. Mcm2 nk kena buat amalan, bc surah2 etc.
Also i didn't get much of moral, emotional support. Sgt perit la masa tu. But b4 all this mmg pernah cube join kelas ngaji etc tp asyik ade je yg x kena. Started when i was in my 20s.
I didn't come from a religious family background. Bukan nak salahkan parents. Just ini la my journey.
Anway, finally at that time I dpt Ustazah yg sgt baik & sporting X garang. Also understanding sbb arwah pun pernah jaga org sakit kena sihir dulu. So she understood my situation.
I pernah tanye arwah u know how it is guys with ADHD, MMD GAD ni semua for me otak i mmg slow giler nak tangkap ape2 la when it comes to learning ( or i was born lembab i don't know ). Since school sampai la skrg. So out of frustration i tanye la arwah "knp yea kalau for me terasa sgt lambat susah, struggle sgt nk belajar ngaji ni??"
Masa tu i blum kena diagnose pun with anything. I kata kalau setengah org tu cepat je belajar, bc Quran pun lancar je...bacaan tu kira fast & furious la... Where as for me so lembab. Then arwah kata for some people like me akan dpt pahala yg lebih byk because i struggle banding dgn org lain yg xyah struggle. Lagi payah nk capai something cth like belajar mengaji ni lagi besar pahala.
So yes,,it took me a while to digest that..
Just now it takes time kot nak deal with her not being here anymore. Inalilahi wainalilahi rojiun.Semoga roh allahyarhamah dicucuri rahmat dan ditempatkan di kalangan orang-​orang yang beriman.
Rasanye awal tahun ni kot i told her about my mental illness.
Author|Post time 15-7-2021 07:01 PMFrom the mobile phone|Show all posts
Edited by manjalara_01 at 15-7-2021 07:03 PM
Just wondering, ade x antara u all yg mmg struggle bab pergaulan since childhood? Then like for t rest of your life t struggle continues.
Then u realize yg u x pernah ade bestfriend or kwn rapat or friends? Even if pernah ade u just x tau nk balas friendship tu mcm mana? For me because most of t time i rs numb je or nothing. So kind of like robot lol. Tp sgt terkesan la pd diri sendiri. Imagine a life with no friends??
Masa childhood teringat la sbb masa talk therapy. I tanye my mom why dulu masa skolah i x pernah ade my own birthday party? My other siblings did but not me? My mom kata cause i said i xde kwn. I pun tanye my mom then u x buat ape2? No my mom kata..
Ok harap u alls yg struggle like me to bond with other humans bleh share your struggles here.
I pernah la bc this thread. Forumer kongsi kisah sedih sbb 4 tahun study kat uni xde member.
Author|Post time 20-9-2021 10:32 PMFrom the mobile phone|Show all posts
Edited by manjalara_01 at 20-9-2021 10:35 PM
Hi guys,..
Just wondering ttiber terdetik nk share something very personal. Sj nk tahu kat luar sana ade x somebody yg hadap masalah same dgn i??
So far rsnye xde kot forumer yg share about their ADHA. Kalau ade pun 1,2 je kot.
Anyway just nk share antara symptom ADHD is SHAME2. Sbb cth u x bleh nk berfungsi normally mcm your other peers. And u akan rs left behind in life .Cth diri i sendiri. I xde 3 benda ni yg as a human there something SO WRONG with u. I x nk bg tau umur i cause dah level acik hahaha. Malu wei nk hadap dgn masyarakat. And that shame is always overwhelming.
3 perkara tu:
1) x pernah bercinta or ber couple even zaman skolah.
Nk ikutkan org umur mcm i dah bekerja, dah kawin dah ade anak 3.
2) x pernah ade kwn rapat or bff. In short x pernah ade kwn rapat. And for t last decade sorg kwn pun xde. Thats why i xde social media. So kalau chatting online org mintak fb ke twitter ke i kata i xde. I x kata sbb i xde kwn.
3) x bleh keje/ dysfuntional. Selama 8 to 10 years i cube keje i just x bleh. Tahan 2,3 bulan je. Patut la rs kumurungan sgt walaupun masa tu i x tahu yg i ade depression. Worst still bile kena buli sbb i lembab. Also bile i tgk org lain bleh get along, ade yg keje tetap situ, ade yg dah kawin, ade yg cite psl gi holiday dgn kwn2. Me i have non of those things. Bertambah la kumurungan.
X ingat dah share ke blum tentang ni. But what say u??
Author|Post time 20-9-2021 10:46 PMFrom the mobile phone|Show all posts
Edited by manjalara_01 at 20-9-2021 10:48 PM
Another sad story i teringat masa umur 13 tahun that was when i first tried to get help. I jumpe dgn pembimbing rakan sebaya.
And masa form 4 x silap i dah mula breakdown. I x rapat pun dgn arwah ayah x ingat mcm mana i bleh terstory to him. I was crying i told him i don't know how to make friends. And i remember he said u need to smile and be friendly to people. That time mmg rs numb x rs ape2. Infact most most of my life mmg dlm hati ni rs xde prasaan. I think thats ny depression.
In my 20s i start emailing dgn befrienders. Mostly cite about all 3 masalah ni la. And psl masalah x reti nk buat keje sbb dah start kejekan? Don't start la tp mmg since highschool i x bleh nk cope dgn school life ape lg dgn work life??
I x ingat la ade x try to get help other time. But i did went for kaunseling kat ppum years before i kena diagnose. Mostly story psl masalah kesihatan.
Then after dah kena diagnose still under medication i still x dpt the emotional or moral suport that i need.
Sj nk luahkan prasaan FRUST tu. Cause they always "u r no alone" "reach out for help". Sad to say i can't relate to any of these.
I can only say that you are a very strong lady, unfortunately due to mmg u mmg dah di diagnosed so sometimes its beyond ur control if emotions u out of the league
Maybe instead trying to change that ..i dunno just my silly thoughts just embrace je all the uniqueness in you tu...
What ever kan je...being alone ni ..sometimes its rather beautiful. U still ada apa yang u suka...eh bayam sihat ke? hehehe tumbuh banyak tak?
So, what am saying..u still doing fine je sbb u ada disini u still boleh luahkan apa apa je no one will judge you sbb no one know u pun...and u boleh continue routine you spt biasa and jangan lupa say Allahuakbar sebab Allah tu maha besar DIA lebih tau.
Bayangkan org yg jahat boleh jadi baik, yang baik jadi jahat yang miskin jadi kaya, kaya jadi miskin. Sihat jadi sakit dan sakit jadi sihat...so life ni if you twist sikit and u blendkan dgn situasi you...insya Allah u akan ok je...yeap akan ada ups and down..tantrum etc on and on. But that is your life...so long u keep doing apa u buat u fight and do you..im sure u akan ok. Write more.
Author|Post time 22-9-2021 01:52 PMFrom the mobile phone|Show all posts
adila39 replied at 21-9-2021 09:55 AM
Good Morning manja...lama tak chat dgn u.
Thanx u, take your time utk melayan i hehe. I just terasa nk buat sesi luahan cause selama ni i cube get help dari dulu sampai skrg but still x dpt ape2 support yg i perlukan. Frustrating beyond belief. Mungkin dah takdir utk i perit mcm ni kot nk kena hadap sorg2.
Anyway, just nk share this song. Feel like i can relate to t lyric.
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for
When you look behind you, there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?
Author
). Since school sampai la skrg. So out of frustration i tanye la arwah "knp yea kalau for me terasa sgt lambat susah, struggle sgt nk belajar ngaji ni??" 
. Where as for me so lembab. Then arwah kata for some people like me akan dpt pahala yg lebih byk because i struggle banding dgn org lain yg xyah struggle. Lagi payah nk capai something cth like belajar mengaji ni lagi besar pahala.
Post time 27-6-2021 07:54 AM
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