Hawk's Corner - Jokes and Romantic Stories n Quotations

TheHawk

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......


TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

[ Last edited by  TheHawk at 30-4-2007 07:12 PM ]

TheHawk

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex." means the mother fail in sex

[ Last edited by  TheHawk at 30-4-2007 07:13 PM ]

TheHawk

How good husband should be.....

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to
them, a single red rose. Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him,
all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at
him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of
the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time......?


[ Last edited by  TheHawk at 30-4-2007 07:44 PM ]

TheHawk

Bill Gates Picks His Own Punishment


Satan greets him: "welcome mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, i'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To bill's delight, he sees a pc in the corner. Without hesitation, bill says "i'll take this option."

"Fine," says satan, allowing bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into lucifer. "That was bill gates!" Cried lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the pc?"

"It's got windows 95!" Laughed satan, "And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, alt and delete."

TheHawk

Goodbye Mother

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

TheHawk

Student takes off his pants

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks.
The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on?

"I am only following the instructions -- the test paper states, answer the questions in brief.''

TheHawk

Lesson Of The Day!

TheHawk

NEVER listen


There once was a bunch of tiny frogs,   
...who arranged a running competition.
The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.
A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants...
The race began...
Honestly...No one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower.
You heard statements such as:
"Oh,WAY too difficult !!!" They will NEVER make it to the top!!!"  
or:
"Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!!!"
  
The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one...Except for those,who in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher...
The crowd continued to yell,"It is too difficult!!!No one will make it!!!"

More tiny frogs got tired and gave up...But ONE continued higher and higher and higher...
This one wouldn't give up!!!  
At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who, after a big ef fo rt, was the only one who reached the top!
THEN all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it?
A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal?
It turned out...That the winner was DEAF!!!

The wisdom of this story is:


NEVER listen to other people's tendencies to be negative or pessimistic...Because they take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you...the ones you have in your heart!!!
Always think of the power words have.Because everything you hear and read will affect your actions!!!
And above all:
Be DEAF when  people tell YOU that you can not fulfill your dreams!!!

TheHawk

10 Best Tips to Win Salary Negotiation

Always beaten in the negotiation game? Here's a list of must-dos to gain the upper hand in bargaining sessions.

You know you're good. You've got the skills, the experience and the expertise to do the job well. Despite this, how come you always seem to be on the losing end in salary negotiations?

The article "[url=]Avoid Salary Negotiation Pitfalls[/url]" identifies two types of candidates that lose out the most at the negotiating table. One type has been with a company for five-plus years and doesn't know his worth. The other is the applicant who doesn't know the details of her compensation package and can't compare it against what is being offered.

As a consequence, they are often at a distinct bargaining disadvantage, unable to get the upper hand and finding themselves bulldozed into accepting an unsatisfactory salary offer.

If you're one of these hapless folks, don't lose hope. Take to heart these expert pointers on successful negotiating and be a better match for the employer in the next standoff.

1. Get updated on salary rates.
It may seem strange, but a lot of candidates still go to an interview with only the vaguest idea of the going market rates for their positions. Conduct a bit of sleuthing and networking beforehand to have a stronger playing hand in the negotiating game.

2. Assess your value.
Ask yourself what you are worth. Write down your skills, abilities, talents, and knowledge, and be prepared to show your future employer the benefits you can bring to their company. Understandably, the recruiter will try to get you for as little as possible, and it is up to you to convince them you're worth much more than that.

3. Don't divulge salary info.
Don't tell a potential employer what your present or most recent income -- or your expected/desired salary for that matter -- is too early in the game. That is, not until you receive a definite job offer. Never state your salary history or expectations in your resume either. Say instead that you're "willing to discuss in an interview" your present salary or that your desired income is "negotiable." Why this need for caution? Once you expose yourself, you're less efficient at negotiating your value to a company, compensation experts say.

4. Discuss income ranges, not specifics.
The rationale for this is to give you some room to maneuver. If you ask for a specific salary that falls below the company's minimum budget, the employer may just give you the lowest possible rate for that position. If you oversell yourself, you may turn out to be too expensive for their taste. Better: Be flexible and talk in ranges, going for an offer in the middle to the high end of the spectrum.

5. Don't be ashamed to negotiate.
If you're shy about selling yourself, don't be. Potential employers look favorably on aspirants who aren't afraid to negotiate, since it shows the jobseeker knows about current market rates and puts a high premium on herself -- surely positive qualities of awareness and self-confidence.

6. Bide your time.
What if you're finally given an offer? The cardinal rule is: Don't rush. Offers made over the phone, in particular, shouldn't be accepted. Insist on a face-to-face meeting to discuss details. If the offer is made in person and isn't what you had hoped for, refrain from speaking for a while to indicate to the employer that you are not happy with the package. It just may prompt the interviewer to raise his offer. Then ask for a day or so to "think the offer over" and request for another meeting to finalize discussions. Be enthusiastic but noncommittal.

7. Explore your options.
If the company states flatly that their offer is final, find out if they can offer non-monetary perks instead, such as allowances, bonuses, performance raises, stock options, profit sharing and the like. Or you can ask for a promise of a raise -- which should be given in writing, of course. Or if the offer is really hard to swallow, ask if they'd consider other work arrangements including part-time or consultancy work.

8. Set your absolute limits.
Here is where your prep work comes in handy. You earlier evaluated your worth and computed the compensation you'd be comfortable with. Now decide whether the offer is one you can live with.

9. Learn from the past.
Practice makes perfect. Look back on each negotiation and extract the lessons that can help you become a stronger negotiator the next time around.

10. Money isn't everything.
We all want to get paid well, no doubt, but don't obsess over money. The salary aspect shouldn't be your all-consuming concern. Don't be blinded by the financial aspect and grab a high-paying job that could later turn out to be a dud because you get no satisfaction and sense of achievement from it.

TheHawk

Rude Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behavior..."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

TheHawk

TheHawk

TheHawk

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

TheHawk

The devil smiled

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to
hell where the devil is waiting for him.
I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I
have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'm going
to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,
butyou have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who
leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm
not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the
hammer, time after time. "No!" I've got this problem with my
shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break
rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked
in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what
she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while
and finally said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said

"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

TheHawk

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

TheHawk

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

TheHawk

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

TheHawk

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

TheHawk

OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

TheHawk

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"