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Hawk's Corner - Jokes and Romantic Stories n Quotations
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DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
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I Love this DOCTOR!!!!
QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION ON HEALTH ISSUES
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride |
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Golf
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex,they fell sleep, awakening around 8:00 PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having s*x all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying ! *****! You've been playing golf again!
[ Last edited by TheHawk at 3-5-2007 07:48 PM ] |
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Fooling Around
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try to have a son. A month of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen... He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" He gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"**** |
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Confession
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly."Becky, my darling," he whispered."Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."He was insistent.. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess.""There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky."No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!""I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, " relax, let the poison work." |
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Don't Listen to Him
A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, 揇ad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot. |
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The Romantic Husband
Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She:"Oh that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He:"I found the remote."
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You are fired
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about 3/4ths of the way stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is. Joe said "well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress.
Phil just shook his head at Joe and started towards the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to hurry their game he too stopped short and turned around. Joe asked "what's wrong?"
It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired" |
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You Are Thinking
The teacher says, "OK class, today we're going to play a game. I'm going to say a few words about something, and you try to tell me what I'm thinking about. Okay? Here we go.
"The first thing is a fruit, it's round and it's red."
"Little Billy raises his hand and says, "It's an apple."
The teacher says. No it's a tomato, but I am glad to see you are thinking.
"Now , the next one is yellow and it's a fruit."
Bobby raises his hand and says, "It's a grapefruit."
The teacher says, "No it's a lemon, but I am glad to see you are thinking."
Dirty Ernie is sitting in the back of the class.
Dirty Ernie says, "Hey teacher, mind if I ask you one."
The teacher says, "No, go right ahead."
Ernie says, "OK, I got something in my pocket. It's long, it's hard and it has got a pink tip."
The teacher says, "Ernie that's disgusting."
Ernie says, "It's a pencil, but I am glad to see you are thinking." |
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Uncle - Father
At a pharmacy, an American asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby he held in his arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that he would figure the infant's weight by weighing the man and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the father alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "It won't work," countered the American . "I'm not the father, I'm the uncle." |
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Chatterbox
A Mother and Father brought their son to a retired and much-respected teacher who tutored students in speech and debate. The tutor interviewed the boy and found him to be an incorrigible chatterbox. She said she would tutor the young boy but would charge twice the amount she normally charged.
"But why?" asked the parents. "He already speaks very well."
"Because," replied the teacher,
"I must teach him two things instead of one - First, how to hold his tongue, and then how to use it."
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WITH LOVE...
 A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. |
[ Last edited by TheHawk at 8-5-2007 12:10 PM ] |
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Category: Negeri & Negara
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