Hawk's Corner - Jokes and Romantic Stories n Quotations

Belle

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.  I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took
up a lot of space and valuable resources.  In addition, Wife 1.0
installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other
systemactivity.  Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0,
Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.  I am thinking about going back to
Girlfriend7.0, but the uninstall does not work on Wife 1.0.  Please
help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.  Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!  It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0.  It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
not allow this.  Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.  I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and
work on improving the situation.  I suggest installing the background
application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs.  Improper
use willcause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.  Once this happens,the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is
to purchase additional software.  I recommend Flowers 2.1 and
Diamonds 5.0!  

WARNING!  DO NOT, under any circumstance, install Secretary With
Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will
cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

holmes

After a month-long holiday in the US, my wife and I finally boarded the plane in San Francisco last Sunday heading home.

As the plane reached cruising speed with the seat belt sign switched off, a 6 ft 3" black man with the build of Mike Tyson in the front row got up from his seat, turned to face the back, raised his arm and yelled, "HIJACK!"

Everyone was frozen to the seat, expecting the worst to happen.

And two stewards were about to jump onto this guy to overpower him when another voice answered from the back of the plane: "HI JOHN!"

The moral of the story is: If you have a friend named Jack, for heaven's sake don't ever call him in the plane. Otherwise you may land yourself in deep trouble.

holmes

"Ini adalah kejadian yang betul

kecubung

words can create pictures



                  DEAD ---------------ALIVE

kecubung

        PEACE -----------------  WAR

kecubung

           THREAT -------------------------------- PRETEXT

holmes

Cium :

Mau mesra cium bibir,
Mau enak cium dekat dada,
Mau nikmat cium di bawah pusat,
Mau lebih panas ?
Turun Lagi Lebih ke Bawah... ..Cium Tu nah Tar Jalan Raya !!!

holmes

Tertipu :

Jika kau jadi bunga aku rela jadi kupu-kupu.
Jika kau siang, aku rela jadi matahari
Jika kau samudera aku rela jadi ikan
Jika kau jadi monyet,
aku RELA, SUNGGUH, SUMPAH AKU RELA !!! SWEARRR...

holmes

Bercumbu :

Minah, yang telah lama tinggal di kota pulang ke kampung dan bertemu pujaan hatinya, Mamat yang berprofesi sebagai petani. Suatu senja, ketika tengah jalan2 dan menikmati pemandangan desa, mereka melihat 2 ekor kerbau saling menggesek-gesekkan hidung dan....
Kerana lama memendam rindu, Mamat berkata dengan nada memancing, "Rasanya saya jadi ingin juga melakukannya," sambil memandang Minah mesra. "Silakan saja," balas Minah " kan kerbau2 tu milikmu."

holmes

Kes Tak Betegur Sapa :

PAGI Terjadi satu hari sepasang suami isteri ni berselisih faham... dan tak bertegur sapa.. Si suami ni nak bangun pagi pada esoknya.. tak tau macam mana nak bagitau isteri supaya kejutkan dia pagi esoknya..Si suami ni dapat idea..lalu dia tulis satu nota
"KEJUTKAN ABANG!! PUKUL 6.30 PAGI ESOK"
Esoknya si suami ni terlewat bangun... dia nak marah pun ada ... nak ketawa pun ada kat isterinya. Nak tahu kenapa?... si suami ni terjumpala nota "BANG!! BANG!! BANGUN BANG! DAH PUKUL 6.30 "

holmes

Muntah :

Seorang gadis kecil merasa badannya lemah dan sakit ketika dia berada dipasaraya bersama ibunya.
"Mama," kata gadis kecil itu.. "Bolehkan kita balik sekarang?"
"Tidak," jawab ibunya.
"Ma, saya rasa hendak muntah!" kata gadis kecil itu.
"Keluarlah, pergi ke tandas di tingkat atas... "
Setelah kira-kira 20 saat, gadis kecil itu kembali ke tempat duduknya.
"Sudah selesai?" tanya ibunya.
"Ya.""cepatnya?"
"Saya tidak pergi ke tingkat atas.. Ma," kata anaknya lalu menyambung..
"Kat tepi tu ada sebuah kotak derma... disitu tertulis "UNTUK ORANG YANG SAKIT"

kecubung

This Is AMAZING!!!

      Until now I never fully understood how to tell,

      The difference Between Male and Female Birds.

      I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

      Until Now.

      Which of The Two Birds Is a Female???

      Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...

      See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.

      It can be done.

      Even by one with limited bird watching skills.
      *

      *
      *

      *

      *

      *

holmes

I can tell already...

btw... batah sudah Hawk nda timbul...hope he is wokey

[ Last edited by  holmes at 6-9-2007 01:19 PM ]

kecubung

Subject: KISAH PAHIT SEORANG GIGOLO



Aku terpaksa menjadi gigolo" (FAKTA PLUS!!)

Teman-teman, Bacalah kisah di bawah ini:
(Cobalah ambil hikmahnya.. jangan terburu-buru silau oleh harta)

Seorang pemuda frustasi mencoba-coba jadi gigolo.
Pengalaman pertamanya bertemu seorang ibu muda perlente dengan mobil mewah.
Pemuda itu dibawa dengan mobil mewah menuju ke sebuah rumah besar milik
wanita itu.
Sesampainya dirumah, Dia dimasukkan ke dalam sebuah kamar. Si pemuda itu
merasa nevous karena ini adalah pertama kalinya masuk ke kamar wanita lain.
Pikirannya sudah macam-macam, bingung dan juga kikuk. Semakin berpikir
seperti itu, birahinya juga makin muncul.
Sebelum melakukan apa-apa, wanita itu berkata, "Kamu lepas dulu baju kamu
dan tunggu disini dulu ya, jangan ke mana-mana," ujar wanita itu kemudian
keluar dari kamar. Pemuda itu makin bingung karena ditinggal sendirian.
Sebetulnya dia malu untuk telanjang karena tubuhnya kurus. Akhirnya dia
melepas semua bajunya,dan menunggu di kamar. "Ah sudah kepalang tanggung,"
pikirnya.
Tak lama kemudian, ibu itu masuk ke dalam kamar. Kali ini diikuti oleh dua
orang anak kecil.
Ibu itu berkata kepada kedua anak kecil itu, "Nah, Wati dan Budi, harus
banyak makan. Kalau tidak, nanti badannya kurus seperti Om ini"
Huahaha..ha. .ha..a ...

holmes

A classic one... may be sudah ada ni...

Ah Huay's Interview

Ah Huay went for a job interview to be a   
secretary. When the manager saw Ah Huay's colorful attire and gold, white-highlighted hair, his mind is screaming, "NOT THIS WOMAN!!!".Nevertheless, he still had to entertain Ah Huay. So he told Ah Huay,"If you could form a sentence using the words that I give u,then maybe I will give u a chance! The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK.

"Ah Huay thought for a while and said,"I hear the phone GREEN,
GREEN,GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say   
YELLOW.....BLUE's that??WHITE did you say?Aiyah, wrong   
number lah.....Don't PURPLEly disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok?
Kum Siah."

The manager  fainted...

holmes

Tips kejutkan orang bersahur
Kalau nak kejutkan orang bangun tidur especially sahur..cam ni antara caranya..
1. pegang anak jari kiri/kanan sambil tu panggil nama dia perlahan lahan..
2. sentuh bahu org tidur tu..dan goyangkan perlahan lahan..sambil panggil nama dia...
3. renjis air kat muka dia...sambil panggil nama dia...
4. tampar tampar manja pipi dia..sambil panggil nama dia...
5. tutup kipas/air cond tapi kalau still tak ada effect
1. jerit nama dia kuat kuat...
2. gigit ibu jari kaki dia..cam antu toyol gigit
3. simbah air sebaldi...kalau bleh air rendam baju dalam korang
4. tarik rambut dia sampai jatuh dr tilam
5. goyang badan dia kuat2 then jerit gempabumi! gempabumi! tsunami!tsunami!
6. jerit api! api! api!
7. letak kfc ke mcd ke xpun ikan patin masak tempoyak yg baru dibeli sebelah hidung dia..bg ambik bau sikit

tapi kalau still tak ada effect gak
1. pergi kat telinga dia...then sebut maa rabbuka! sambil seru nama dia byk kali...
2. pergi kat dia, baca je surah yaa sin! hehehehehe

tapi kalau still tak ada effect gak...ni je la cara terakhir
1. panggil je orang masjid/surau untuk uruskan...kerana tuhan lebih menyayanginya

LailaTempawan

  telagi silahau tah banar.... tega jua mama nya atu.. sukatinya..

LailaTempawan

LailaTempawan

NEW TECHNIQUE: How To Safe Papaya From Falling.... ??

kecubung

Favorite Quote from Samy Velu

1)    Samy Velu on pos laju "BESOK KIRIM, HARI INI SAMPAI"
2)    The one on TV when in trying to say he was ashamed, he said:`Kemaluan saya besar`
3)    On drugs, "Jangan hisap dada"
4)    Samy said in a ceramah "Kita akan bina satu jambatan untuk orong-orong kampong disini", one pakcik asked, "Datuk,
       sini takde sungai,buat apa bina  jambatan?" and Samy glorious replied,"Kalau takde sungai, kita bina sungai!"
5)    Samy's favorite quote on national television "Toll naik sikit, manyak marah saya. You ingat semua ini toll saya punya
       bapa  punya kah!"
6)    During the water shortage crisis : "semua orang diminta jgn membuang aiyerr..!"
7)    During blood donation campaign in Sg Siput: "..marilah kita semua menderma dara.."
8)    During the opening speech of various function: "...selamat datang  saudara-mara semua.." (actually is "saudara-saudari" )
9)    At an opening ceremony: "mempersilakan datin paduka rafidah aziz naik ke pentas utk membuka kain"
10)  Commenting about his modesty: "sebenarnya, kemaluan saya sangat-sangat besar"

And lastly u know why our N-S Highway concessionaire is named PLUS.

PLUS = Pungut Lebih Untuk Samy