Hawk's Corner - Jokes and Romantic Stories n Quotations

TheHawk

UNDER THE INFLUENCE


Aguy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a manhollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the mantries to ignore him.
Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.  

The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''

[ Last edited by  TheHawk at 10-3-2008 12:37 PM ]

TheHawk

A Singaporean was on holiday in Malaysia. He was having his coffee,croissants, bread, butter & jam at the hotel抯 coffee house. AMalaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him and started acasual conversation.

Malaysian: 揧ou Singaporeans eat the whole bread?

TheHawk

The Preacher's Donkey  

Aman bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man thatthis donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey ofa preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, was to say,"Hallelujah!" The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got onthe animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!"shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. Thedonkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a"Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new purchase.

Theman traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he washeading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make thedonkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey justkept going. "Oh, no... Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!" shouted theman. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer andcloser to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said aprayer. "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I gooff the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.     

TheHawk

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring anindividual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack ofresumes he found four people who were equally qualified --an American,a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine who of them would get the job.

Theday came and as the four sat around the conference room table theinterviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?" Dave, theAmerican, replied, " A THOUGHT . It just pops into your head. There'sno warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is thefastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir , the Russian.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich? for speed."

Hethen turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply."Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wallthere's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across thepasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is thefastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was veryimpressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It'shard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning toEleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewerposed the same question. Eleuterio replied, "Apter herring da 3preybyus ansers sir, et's ob yus to me dat the fastest thing isDiarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats...

"Oh,I can expleyn sir,." said Eleuterio. " You see, sir, da ader day mytummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the CR, but before Icould THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, 't*ng 憂*, sir,
I had alreydi s**t
in my pants!"

TheHawk

Comfortable  

Twosisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need topurchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving,the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buythe bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." Thebrunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides shewants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, noless.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town tosend her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into thetelegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sistertelling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitchthe trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul ithome."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."  

Well,after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizesthat she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

Afterthinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send herthe word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How isshe ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to yourpickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch ifyou send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -
("com-for-da-bul" )  

TheHawk

This Pill allows u to FLY

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

TheHawk

Too good not to share

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when
he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of
the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car
and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over
the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got
out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the
basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was
dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man
crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She
stepped out of her car and asked the man what was
wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit
the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an
Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly
what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out
a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny,
and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the
little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life,
jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved
its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road.
50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around,
waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards,
turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved
again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in
heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that
you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned
the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds
permanent wave

TheHawk

Law Suit

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" stated the counsel for the insurance company.

"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.

"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?"

"Yeah, but --" stammered the farmer.

"A simple yes or no will suffice," counsel
interrupted quickly.

"Yes," Replied the farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions.

"Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.

"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the
accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead.

"Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling.

"Now, what the heck would you have said to
him?"

TheHawk

Which is the best meaning of love explained by our experts?

What Love means to a 4-8 year old . . ?

Slow down for three minutes to read this.  It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes. A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined See what you think:

TheHawk

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.  My Mommy and Daddy are like that. >>

They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents

and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

TheHawk

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8

'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'

Chris - age 7

TheHawk

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7

this one
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'

Mark - age 6

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8

And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

TheHawk

I don't remember

An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited.

"The food and service were great!" he said.

His friend asked, "What's the name of the place?"

"Gee, I don't remember," he said, "What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?"

"You mean a rose?" asked his friend.

"That's it!" he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?"

holmes

Suami bin Lelaki
No. 99 Jalan Todak,
Taman Seri Tenggara,
34200, Parit Buntar,
Perak Darul Ridzuan.

Isteri binti Perempuan
No. 99 Jalan Todak,
Taman Seri Tenggara,
34200, Parit Buntar,
Perak Darul Ridzuan.

31 April 2007

Puan,

PERKARA : PERMOHONAN UNTUK BERPOLIGAMI

Perkara di atas adalah di rujuk.

2. Sebab utama permohonan ini di lakukan adalah kerana saya ingin melengkapkan kuota yang telah di peruntukkan bagi saya. Buat masa ini kuota yang telah di isi cuma satu, memandangkan masih ada 3 kekosongan, eloklah jika dapat di penuhi secepat mungkin. Pihak yang akan mengisi satu kekosongan ini buat masa ini ialah Cik Hana Fazura binti Ramli yang merupakan setiausaha saya di pejabat. Memandangkan komitmen yang beliau tunjukkan di pejabat amat baik, eloklah jika kita masukkan dia bersama kita di dalam organisasi keluarga kita. Kekosongan yang selebihnya akan di isi di masa akan datang.

3. Untuk makluman pihak puan, yang sebenarnya masalah ini telah lama saya fikirkan tetapi memandangkan poket saya yang selalu nipis, terpaksalah saya tangguhkan dulu permohonan ini di samping kurangnye rasa keyakinan untuk mengemukakan permohonan ini. Kini, setelah saya dapat mengeluarkan kesemua duit pelaburan ASB saya, saya merasakan kembalinya semangat saya yang telah hilang selama ini.

4. Permohonan ini amat setimpal kerana dengan kedudukan sekarang ia menguntungkan kedua belah pihak dan juga pihak ketiga. Selama ini hidup kita bahagia sebab jika tidak, manakan mungkin puan dapat menjadi seperti sekarang. Semua yang puan miliki sudah bertambah besar. Kereta besar, rumah besar, rantai besar dan pakaian besar. Jika dulu potongan puan seperti gitar, kini sudah bertukar menjadi drum. Oleh itu, sudilah kiranya dapat kita kongsi bersama insan lain kebahagiaan kita ini.

5. Pihak puan juga dapat menikmati faedah dari kelulusan permohonan ini kerana puan akan tetap menikmati apa yang telah puan miliki sekarang dengan waktu bekerja lebih singkat dan sistem syif akan di perkenalkan iaitu 1 hari kerja dan 1 hari cuti rehat. Waktu bekerja yang selebihnya akan ditampung oleh pihak ketiga. Kebaikan yang puan akan nikmati ialah waktu rehat yang bebas kerana dalam waktu puan bercuti, saya selaku Penyelia tidak akan memantau aktiviti yang puan lakukan. Pada waktu itu saya cuma akan fokus kepada hasil kerja pihak ketiga. Menguntungkan bukan?

6. Segala kerjasama dari pihak puan saya dahulukan dengan ribuan terima kasih. Saya amat berharap pihak puan dapat meluluskan permohonan saya ini kerana adalah lebih baik jika kita dapat berkongsi kebahagiaan kita ini bersama insan lain. Saya harap permohonan saya ini di balas dengan senyuman penuh keikhlasan dari pihak puan dan tandatangan puan di atas kertas yang saya lampirkan bukannya balingan periuk nasi, pinggan-mangkuk, ketukan senduk dan perkara-perkara yang menyukarkan pihak puan untuk melakukannya.

7. Saya harap puan sudi meluluskan permohonan ini. Hadirkanlah senyumanmu sebagaimana ketika kita menyambut orang baru iaitu bayi kita kedalam keluarga kita 10 tahun lepas. Situasinya lebih kurang sama dengan masa kini. Kita akan menerima orang baru juga cuma bezanya ialah jika 10 tahun yang lepas kita perlu menjaga dan membelainya dengan manja bersama tetapi kali ini, setiap urusan penjagaan dan belaian manja akan di laksanakan oleh saya sepenuhnya.

8. Akhir kata, saya harap permohonan saya ini dapat dibalas secepat mungkin. Semoga kita bersama-bersama dengan pihak ketiga akan dapat melaksanakan program ini dengan jayanya.

Sekian, Terima Kasih.

"BERKORBAN DAN BERKONGSI KEBAHAGIAAN LAMBANG RUMAHTANGGA BAHAGIA"

Yang Ikhlas Memohon,

Suami bin Lelaki

holmes

Pembeli: 揗as, telornya berapa sekilo?
Penjual: 揟elor ayam atau telor bebek?

TheHawk

TheHawk

TheHawk

TheHawk

TheHawk